How to become a Famous Philosopher

So you’ve stumbled upon this post in the hopes of becoming a famous philosopher. I’ll teach you how to reach that goal.

If you don’t want to become a famous philosopher then carry on reading anyway. You’re here, so why not. You should because the philosopher God says so and he exists because he says he does. Now we have that logical correction out of the way, we’ll continue.

Things you’ll need to improve your chances: 

  • Notable facial hair (e.g. moustache, eyebrows)
  • A beard is even better
  • Good arguments (less important)

Ok, let’s begin. If you want to be a famous philosopher, you just need to follow some steps. None of which are too difficult. Just follow the examples of others!

Neitzsche’s father died before he was ten and his brother died at the age of two

Sartre suffered the same fate too

Before he could talk, he had to say to his father ‘adieu’

Pascal’s father died when was seven

Hegel’s mother died when he was eleven

But at least they could change your world view

Here’s a new philosopher in the mix

Spinoza’s mother died when he was six

And his big book called Ethics was a bag of confusing tricks

This poem has no regular rhyme scheme

But J S Mill must have wanted to scream!

He went through severe depression due to an unhealthy obsession

from the father who wanted Mill to continue his greatest passion

Instead of living the philosopher’s dream

But here’s something that isn’t out of fashion

Erasmus’ parents died when he was seventeen

Good thing Nozick hadn’t created the ultimate utility machine

Bertrand Russell was an Earl

But Wittgenstein gave away his right to a servant girl

Kierkegaard was wealthy

But his siblings were very unhealthy

This is all very sad

But surely it can’t be all bad?

What about Rousseau, Descartes and Hume ?

Descartes was friends with the evil demon of doom

Rousseau lost his mother when he was only 9 days out of the womb

At two, David Hume saw his dad enter the tomb

If you don’t have all of this on your side

But still want to become a philosopher full of pride

There’s one thing they all had in common without fail

They are all white, dead middle-aged males!

***

I’m not trying to become a poet laureate. I just read too much about philosophers. If you really want to become a famous philosopher, ask Plato.

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