The feeling of emptiness is an odd one.
It’s not something I can describe too well despite spending hours and hours just asking myself ‘what am I feeling?’ If I am successful in finding out what I do feel, it often takes a long while just to say ‘I’m feeling ok’. Or more frequently ‘I’m sad’.
This feeling is strange because I have an idea of what’s causing it. I’m trying to change it because I want to feel better. I’m aware of it. But it still washes over me like a huge water wave.
Over the past few years I’ve had problems with chronic pain and an assortment of various issues. While I don’t want to appear extremely self centered or anything similar, it bears down on my mental well-being. Noticing that other people are going through more or less than me doesn’t change anything. Why should it? They’re living their own lives and travelling their own journeys. Not controlling my own.
The chronic pain has become much like an annoying friend. He’s there from the moment I wake up to the moment I try sleeping and even tries interfering with me then. He’s disrupted a few important things which has affected my self esteem. He even tries taking away from the simple pleasures I have in life. Regardless of all of this, I’ve tried to get rid of him in a variety of different ways but he refuses to leave.
He’s still knocking on my door every morning but I have no idea when he’ll get bored and leave. The uncertainty is an extra factor I dislike about the whole situation. But I can do very little about that. No screaming or tears will suddenly create the magical deadline.
I compared this chronic pain to an annoying friend. He isn’t a friend. (just in case that wasn’t clear).
I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure what the aim of this post is. I guess I just want to talk aloud instead of letting it boil over in my head. I’m not particularly angry or sad about this situation right now. I’ve been dealing with it for so long that I simply feel empty.
I do have techniques that I’ve slowly developed over this time and realisations that I’ve made (if that’s even the right term) over the duration of this problem. A few of them I’ve already shared. My posts on venting, selfishness and hatred are an example of this. I will share more since writing is fun even if I doubt or dislike a few of the things I write.
However, I’m not completely alone. I have a few very supportive people by my side who help as much as they can. So I’m thankful for that.
If there’s anything useful to take away from this post, I hope you find it because I can’t. Thanks for reading nonetheless.
Feeling empty is definitely strange.